Dating after a controlling relationship
This is the subconscious interpretation of our childhood: “Mum / Dad you are hurting me but I will keep trying to prove to you that I am worthy of your love so that you will stop hurting me, and FINALLY I’ll be loved and FINALLY I will be safe.” Now just slip in the next potential love partner’s name into the space where (Mum / Dad) was written …This allows you to understand you are locked into ground-hog day love replays – re-experiencing the most profound of your inner childhood wounding over and over again.
The truth was Debbie was depressed without a man, she was putting off the things in her own life that her soul was nudging her to do – because she was living the urgency of securing a man first.
You are meant to go down these paths – because it’s a “soul contract.” And what I mean by a soul contract is this: people are helping you heal something that you have never healed before – by smashing these unconscious parts open to make them conscious and bringing you to your knees to self-partner and resolve and heal your own inner wounding. And this was an extremely dangerous position to be in, because when it came to continuing or walking away from a relationship my head would “convince” me why to continue, and I’d justify all the reasons away why I shouldn’t.
The unconscious parts that you weren’t going to and healing, despite previous lower level disappointments and reoccurring patterns, and even maybe some teachers crossing your path giving you the clues (Life does try to wake us up gently at first), and maybe the emotionally unhealed parts within you had tried to get your attention by appearing as physical issues. when you start healing and up-levelling your previous traumas you will to the people who represent them. Also my neediness was preventing my necessary hiatus from men to truly heal the one real relationship I needed to get right – The real reasons I didn’t spend time alone to deeply self-partner?
Like so many people who have been narcissistically abused, Debbie was terrified that her “partner chooser” was broken. Was it better to pick someone that she had no chemical attraction to?
Why on earth, she mused, was she NOT attracted to men who turn out to be genuine and decent? and they think maybe it’s because “nice” people are not good-looking or boring …
And the SOOO Interesting thing is – even if you “know” your childhood wounding, (but have not healed it) you may purposefully choose someone you think is “decent” who turns out to be a pathological narcissist pretending to be “decent” (who ironically you get real attracted to when the bad behaviour starts) , or you simply cannot get physically and sexually stimulated by someone decent and the relationship becomes one of passionless convenience, or you downright push away and sabotage someone decent because it feels so incompatible with you.